he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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