Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
