i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my shit smells like andre
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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