I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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