Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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