You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
