i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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