I just saw a hot homeless man
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
