im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
