after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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