don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
