I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
