i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
