Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
