I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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