I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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