You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
