Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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