Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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