you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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