I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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