No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
