I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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