You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
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I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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