people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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