I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
