I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
