i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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