Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So gin and wine won't be happening again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
