I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
