I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
