Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
