God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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