You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
