I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
