just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
