JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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