An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
