so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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