i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
