Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
