That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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