Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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