my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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