Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
