its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
