I could make wine with my vomit
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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