i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
