She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
