My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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