Im at strip club and am horny
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
