she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Randomize
