I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
