nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
