If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
